A sadness has come over me in the past week and I just cannot shake it for some reason. My heart is heavy, it feels as if someone keeps tugging at my heart, I want to cry at the drop of a hat and just have this uneasy feeling all over. I long for that third baby that I have always wanted but up until recently, I could shake the feeling. Now the feeling just stays with me wherever I go.
Last night, I laid in bed with my girls and watched them sleeping so peacefully. Where did the time go? I was just rocking them to sleep and holding them for hours on in. Now the girls have become so independent and are able to make a lot of their own decisions. The tears are hitting the keyboard as I am typing this… Why am I so sad they are growing up? I want to still cradle them or wear them in a sling. I want them close to my heart. I know they will always be close to me but I cannot help to think when I look at them, there is a missing sibling there?
I always ask the girls if they want a baby brother or sister and they joke around. One wants a baby brother and one wants a baby sister but my husband wants neither. We made the rash decision when L was about to be born, that he would get the big V. My emotions were all over the place and exactly one week before L was born, he had the V. I have regretted that decision ever since, but since he is older, I respected the decision and was happy God gave me two precious girls. I thank God each night for blessing me to be their mom. Yet, I still yearn for that third child. I want to break from this feeling. How will I ever get over feeling like this and know my family is complete?
I secretly wish in my heart that the Lord would bless us with a child anyways or maybe even through adoption. I’m not sure how to heal my heart at this point, but I do know one thing, I will continue to hold my girls close to my heart always. They breathe such a fresh air in my life each and everyday. I hope overtime with prayers, God will guide me and direct on what he feels best for our family.